She Alone Will Wield The Strength

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
invaeric
glumshoe

my uncle

-is allergic to chocolate
-is physically incapable of laughter (it comes out as a hiss, like steam escaping a pipe)
-has weird long vampire teeth
-once led a chemical attack on some college students who had bullied his high school chemistry class
-named his bicycle Tom Bombadil
-got hired twice for the same job as himself and his fake identical twin because his boss wouldn’t hire him full time
-is the only member of my family to have shown me open and unconditional support
-is a clean-cut nerd… who used to be a psychedelic Deadhead and follow them around on tour
-enjoys snacking on an exercise formula called “goo”; his favorite flavor is “plain”. Plain goo. He gave me a box of it for Christmas once and it’s as gross as it sounds.
-cannot touch mangos
-teaches meditation seminars at his Buddhist temple
-has begun studying magic
-used to be obsessed with cults, especially Scientology, and would just… spy on their temples
-is so fucking weird
-used to drive a car that he’d covered entirely in plastic lizards, until someone stole it
-is terrified of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and still has nightmares about them

glumshoe

-is sending me on a roadtrip to the National Radio Quiet Zone for fun and education

glumshoe

-showed up to a family outing downtown this morning, wearing nylon shorts and expensive leather Oxford formal shoes
-cried himself to sleep as a child because he desperately wanted a pet alligator
-has experimented with god knows how many psychoactive substances…. For Science
-is a literal masochist, as discovered this afternoon, when he told me all about how he’s addicted to the “excruciating pain and unexpected pleasure” of physical therapy
-has feet so long he has to get shoes custom made for him - they have, in the past, been mistaken for clown shoes
-once took his girlfriend on a date to lick the St. Louis Arch, in winter, and later revealed that he only framed it as a date ‘cause he was afraid of going alone in case his tongue got stuck to the metal
-told me that he loved how bananas made his whole throat feel tingly, was surprised to find out that bananas are not supposed to have this effect
-was disappointed that I did not bring a book on demon conjugation to the family reunion, because he wanted to compare it to his own translation
-got banned from going down a slide today because he was dripping wet and had clearly been swimming…. he was just really sweaty from climbing the stairs

glumshoe

-sent me a check but forgot my legal name and put my nickname on it instead (it can’t be deposited and he hasn’t sent another)

glumshoe

this is what he wore to a family outing downtown

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